Editor’s note: This article is Purim satire.
On March 2, most Jewish and pro-Israel UCLA organizations stood in unity against Ahasuerus, the Persian frat-boy and king who spent governmental funds to host a 180-day-long party and is currently planning a genocide against his Jewish population. The king is the sole monarch of Ancient Persia, which stretches from Ethiopia in the west to India in the east. Ahasuerus’ empire is not only wealthy and diverse but also decadent.
King Ahasuerus, in defending his proposition for the extermination of the Persian Empire’s Jewish population, told the Persian Government TV Network, “Why do I want to exterminate the Jews?…Because.” A roar was heard throughout Persia.
During a rally, Ahasuerus was reported to be asking his Chief Adviser, Haman, “I don’t understand, Hamantooshi…Why can’t they just go back to Beverly Hills where they belong?”
In a statement to Ha’am News regarding Ahasuerus’ plan to exterminate the Jews, Zev Belskowitz, president of UCLA’s chapter of Students Adoring Judea, said “Ahasuerus is, like, really frustrating. He has this whole thing about killing Jews and it’s, like, really obnoxious.” When asked to elaborate, Belskowitz continued, “The guy needs to find a hobby, or whatever. This is, like, really getting old.”
But, in a strange move signifying a lack of true solidarity within the Jewish community, Christina Smith-Goldberg, the president of a Jewish far-left-wing organization at UCLA, said “I just think he’s misunderstood. Look, the Jews are occupying Persia. They have a habit of occupation. I think they should go back to Europe or Woodland Hills, or wherever they truly come from. But definitely not Israel, though.”
Smith-Goldberg’s group was not only hesitant in condemning Ahasuerus, but it also tried rallying support for him on campus. Her group set up a spot on Bruinwalk and posted a sign with charts and diagrams, graphing Jewish migration to Persia since the Second Temple was destroyed. When approached by Jewish UCLA students who were shocked by what they had seen as an “anti-Semitic demonstration,” Smith-Goldberg replied, “It’s not anti-Semitic…rather, it’s anti-Jewish.”
Thankfully, along with most UCLA far-left political groups, Smith-Goldberg’s club’s actions had absolutely no effect on anyone. We will be seeing her on a David Horowitz poster next week.