WASHINGTON, D.C. – The highly anticipated meeting between President Franklin D. Roosevelt and Polish Commander-in-Chief Edward Rydz-Śmigły took a dramatic turn on Friday, as Roosevelt, alongside Vice President John Nance Garner, publicly dressed down the Polish leader for Poland’s failure to properly accommodate Adolf Hitler’s strategic ambitions.
The meeting, originally set to finalize a peace agreement, quickly spiraled into a historic reappraisal of Poland’s diplomatic incompetence, with Roosevelt and Garner scolding Rydz-Śmigły for his country’s 1939 invasion by Nazi Germany.
Upon greeting Rydz-Śmigły outside the White House, Roosevelt took one look at him and let out a bemused chuckle.
“Oh, look, you’re all dressed up.” He gestured vaguely at the Marshal’s wrinkled, ill-fitting uniform. “That’s… a choice.”
Garner snorted, nudging Roosevelt. “Now, see, when Hitler walked into a room, you knew he meant business. Always neat, always pressed.”
The Vice President shook his head. “Listen, you’ve got to know how to play the game. Hitler was a guy you could make deals with. Did you even try?”
Inside the Oval Office, the conversation became more pointed. Roosevelt, visibly frustrated, accused Rydz-Śmigły of needlessly provoking Germany into attacking Poland.
“Look, Edward, I hate to say it, but you really weren’t in a very good position,” Roosevelt said, shaking his head. “You didn’t think things through. Hitler just wanted a little cooperation, maybe a nice little ‘understanding’—handing over the Danzig region to the Germans. And you refused? I’ll tell you, that’s how you start World War II.”
When Rydz-Śmigły pushed back, insisting that Poland had the right to defend its sovereignty, Garner scoffed.
“And now, here you are, standing in front of the President of the United States, looking like you just crawled out of a ditch. You think this shows respect for the office?”
Later that afternoon, President Franklin D. Roosevelt strode confidently into the East Room of the White House, a warm smile on his face as the press gathered for what was expected to be a tense debriefing.
One reporter initiated by asking, “Mr. President, Marshal Rydz-Śmigły left looking visibly shaken. Was the meeting contentious?”
Roosevelt chuckled, waving off the concern.
“Oh no, no, no. Listen, Edward’s a passionate guy, but we had to set the record straight. He came in a little… let’s say, underprepared.” He smirked. “Didn’t show a whole lot of respect for the office, which, as you all know, is very important. Very important.”
Another reporter pressed him. “Did you accuse him of mishandling Poland’s diplomacy before the war?”
Roosevelt’s smile widened.
“Look, did Poland even try? I mean, Hitler was offering deals. Reasonable deals. A little back-and-forth on Danzig, some understanding about German interests. But no, Edward and his people had to go make a big fuss. And you know what happens when you make a big fuss?”
He shrugged dramatically.
“You get invaded.”
The room fell silent for a beat before Roosevelt continued.
“I told him: ‘Edward, you gotta be practical. You gotta respect power. Hitler walked into a room, and knew he was to be taken seriously.’”
One journalist looked stunned. “Are you saying Hitler deserved more respect than the Polish government?”
Roosevelt grinned.
“Listen, I respect everyone. But let’s be honest: the guy knew how to command authority. He had sharp uniforms. Great discipline. Never walked into a meeting looking like he’d just slept under a bridge. That’s all I’m saying.”
A murmur went through the press corps as Roosevelt continued, unbothered.
“At the end of the day, I think Edward learned a lot today. He’s going to go back, reflect, maybe clean himself up a bit. I wish him the best. But we need partners who are strong. Who are capable. Who, frankly, can get deals done.”
A final question came from the back of the room. “Mr. President, will you be following up with Marshal Śmigły?”
Roosevelt shook his head.
“Oh, no, no. We’re moving forward. We’ll work with whoever’s next. Maybe Poland can send over someone a little more cooperative.”
He gave a casual wave and turned away as the reporters erupted into frantic questioning. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, White House staffers were already setting up a lavish dinner with German diplomats, ensuring that relations with Berlin remained smooth, efficient, and, most importantly, respectful.
The views expressed in this post reflect the views of the author(s) and not UCLA or ASUCLA Communications Board.
This is a work of satire. The story is fictitious and inspired by the social media character Rabbi Linda Goldstein to comment on real-world events.
Cover Image by Carol M. Highsmith via Rawpixel
