Passover is a time for celebrating our freedom, ancient rituals… and reminding everyone at the table that you’re spiritually evolved and ethically advanced in ways they could only hope to be. So, why stop at the traditional Seder plate? I’m happy to share this curated list of additions to your Seder plate that prove that you are better than everyone else at your table, no matter your hashkafa.
Alphabet Soup
Sometimes an orange just isn’t enough to prove you’re thinking of marginalized groups. And if there’s any holiday that isn’t about the particularity of the Jewish covenant with G-d , it’s obviously Passover. This chag is about social justice in the broadest brushstrokes possible. So if you forget to pay homage to any group, named or yet-to-be-named, you might as well be complicit in their dehumanization. Keep some alphabet soup on hand to accommodate any identity that wants to be included in your seder mid-Maggid. Be sure to put it in the center of the plate, lest you further marginalize anybody. Don’t forget the Spanish version just in case you need an eñye.
Bean Boozled
As Rabbi Sacks (z”l) taught, G-d loves those who argue. And so do your kids, especially the one who turns the Four Questions into four hundred. Keep a game of Bean Boozled nearby: if they insist on asking whether each plague is metaphorical or metaphysical, they’ll have to risk downing a vomit-flavored jelly bean. Torah l’shma.
Cherry Tomato
Forget watermelon. This year’s anti-Zionist produce is the cherry tomato: juicy, fresh, and totally unrelated to Israel. After all, “Next Year in Jerusalem” is a postmodern metaphor for the democratization of holiness.
If anyone has the gall to suggest that Passover is about national identity, peoplehood, or a historical Exodus to a specific land, just pop a tomato in your mouth and say, “Actually, I’m more interested in liberation as praxis.”
Chametz
Judaism isn’t about laws… it’s about vibes. And what better way to capture the spirit of the holiday than by subverting patriarchal authority and including chametz on your seder plate? After all, everyone knows Halakhah is about guidance, not governance—the Torah is nothing if we can’t reinterpret it to match the times! For the family that watches The Prince of Egypt during the first Seder, then sets up an Easter egg hunt for the kids, the next prohibition to supersede is that of chametz. This isn’t just about convenience, it’s a moral imperative for modern Jewry. I need my Crumbl cookie—and if you question that, you’re basically Pharaoh.
Coffee
Sometimes your emunah is so strong, your seder runs five hours before anyone gets to maror. If you’re expecting to hit bensching at 2 a.m., maybe it’s time to add coffee on the side. This promises your guests will be conscious enough to belt out one more encore of lai dai dai’s when you get to zemirot.
Elevated Kitniyot
Everyone knows it’s better to add another fence to the Torah than risk a chillul HaShem. Sure, some sources say the sages banned kitniyot because they were stored with chametz, but who’s to say what else was in that ancient grain sack? For maximum piety, avoid rice, lentils, quinoa, potatoes, and maybe even air. You can never be too safe, or too smug.
Image by Sam Felder via Flickr
