Notes: This story is inspired by current events. The situation in this story is exaggerated, and the quotes are created to be satirical.
The views expressed in this post reflect the views of the author(s) and not UCLA or ASUCLA Communications Board.
Cover image via iStock.
In a dazzling show of solidarity, the UN has finally found something it can agree on, hating Israel. As of today, the General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel on 613 separate accounts and calling for the demilitarization of the state via a “pretty please.” Iran commented: “Hating Jews, it’s the closest to world peace we’ll ever get.”
Leading TikTok activists are now joining some of the greatest lovers of freedom and democracy in the world: China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran in addressing the only humanitarian crisis occurring right now.
Indeed, the UN’s blanket condemnation of Israel will do just the trick to return Israeli civilian hostages and stop Hamas from perpetuating violence against Israelis, even as the terrorist group has openly declared its intent to “repeat October 7 again and again.” Condemning Israel is sure to help the millions of innocent Palestinians facing unimaginable suffering in the Gaza Strip.
The resolution has allowed member nations to excuse their radio silence on the six-year-long genocide, ethnic cleansing, facilitation of concentration camps, and forced conversion of Uyghur Muslims by China. Now, the UN doesn’t have to acknowledge the 1.7 Afghan refugees expelled from Pakistan or the 150,000 children forcibly displaced in Sudan. At long last, the UN can return to the circle jerk of making lofty sustainable development goals with little buy-in from member nations. Are those trumpets sounding?
Highlights from the enlightening discussion are as follows:
Egypt began the discussion with an invitation: “Come, let us deal wisely with the State of Israel.”
The UN Women’s Committee was the first to air the dirty laundry. “Israel and their Zionist allies forced us to condemn the mass rape and sexual violence Hamas committed against Israeli women. We held strong for eight weeks and kept silent because we knew that Zionists would do anything to perpetuate their narrative. They even claimed that videos of the rapes that Hamas filmed themselves were true. None of the dead women with bloodied underwear, foreign objects inserted into them, and contorted legs due to multiple rapes came forward to testify against Hamas. If they were really raped, they would have risen from the grave to share what happened. The eyewitness testimony we have from survivors is likely just another Zionist plot. Unfortunately, international pressure forced us to put out a statement condemning the rape of Israeli women. We wish to be the first to apologize to Hamas for any heartache our statement has caused, and condemn Israel for proving once again that Jews control the media.”
The United Kingdom pointed out Israel’s unfair position. “This is not a fair war, Israel decided to spend their money on the Iron Dome instead of terror infrastructure. Now, they are defended from Hamas’s non-stop barrage of rockets, including over 12,000 fired in the first month after October 7. Hamas has tried to do everything to repudiate their unfair disadvantage, even firing rockets from civilian safe zones and making rockets out of water pipes. However, those Zionists are too adept at protecting their people.”
France concurred. “We’re all missing the point here. This is obviously a war Israel wanted, or else they would have used their space lasers to stop Hamas as soon as they got word of the attacks on October 7th.”
Saudi Arabia and Iran, thriving examples of democratic values, LGBTQ+ rights, and religious freedom, accused Israel of another “washing” offense. “We all know Israel only pretends to be righteous for international attention, as they do in pinkwashing, purplewashing, and greenwashing. Unfortunately, Western media has yet to name Israel’s greatest offense of democracy-washing. Israel only gives Arab citizens full voting rights, a political party, and leadership of schools and municipalities to fight against accusations of apartheid. It is an effective strategy, too, because it is hard to construct arguments against apartheid when democracy-washing positions Israel as ineligible for any textbook instances of apartheid. Instead of actually acknowledging Israel’s favorable actions, we hope you will join us in dismissing them by labeling them as whatever-washing.”
In 1948, Morocco had a Jewish population of 265,000, and had 2,000 Jews as of 2017. Yemen had a Jewish population of 150,000 and now only has one, who is a prisoner. Algeria had 140,000 Jews and now has 50. Together, they are calling for “Jews in Israel to return to Europe or wherever they are from, because they clearly didn’t come from the Middle East, let alone Judea.”
The representative for Palestine shared grateful remarks. “We are glad that the nations of the world have finally realized what insufferable people the Jews are. Except for Larry David, I like that guy.”
In closing remarks, the General Assembly stated that they were glad to have called for a ceasefire, even though Hamas broke the last one in fifteen minutes, denied a week-long ceasefire in exchange for 40 hostages, and denied a permanent ceasefire on the condition that they transition power to a civilian government. That isn’t their fault though. The actions of Hamas must just be the trickle-down, decision-making effects of “Zionist settler-colonial occupation.”
All this comes from recent memory’s least biased and most functional UN meeting. Great work, everyone. We don’t have to hide the double standard we hold Israel to, fight against active ethnic cleansing in Armenia, or provide any aid other than rhetoric to the Palestinians suffering in Gaza. The UN’s condemnation will solve everything, everywhere. Let’s all go hold hands now.