Editor’s note: This article may be satire.
On June 16th, 2015, the very face of America was irrevocably changed: businessman, entertainer, and (now) politician Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Of particular interest was Trump’s announcement that he would be constructing a gigantic mechitzah (a partition between Orthodox men and women during prayer) upon taking office.
Populations with Mexican roots and those sympathetic to them were greatly displeased by the project. “I mean, whatever happened to separation of church and state?” asked Mexican film artist Robert Rodriguez. Since Mexico is a predominantly Catholic country, many feel that a mechitzah, a Jewish construct, is a great slight and “borderline” racist.
Jews were far from overjoyed as well. When Rabbi Moshe Rosenstein of Congregation Mogen David in Brooklyn was asked by a reporter how he felt about the announcement, Rosenstein tore his clothes in mourning and replied weepingly, “It saddens me how mechitzot have been appropriated for political purposes.”
The proposed mechitzah will divide the US between women and men in order to decrease cross-gender distractions, since the US, as Trump claims, “doesn’t win anymore” against China, whose Great Mechitzah has existed since 206 BCE.
Women all across the country also objected to the plan, since they claim it favors men by granting women a mere 77 percent of the land that men would be allotted by the mechitza. Some people, however, believe Trump’s plan is too “pandering to women” and would move to give women only the state of Maine. Said Trump “I will be phenomenal to the women”(real quote).
When questioned about how he plans to build the mechitzah and if he is aware of the minimum height required for it to be kosher, Trump responded that he would “make America great again,” and that it would be “huge. It’s going to be huge!”
Despite objections from a large portion of the population, Trump still leads (in most polls) in a race that some have called “more overcrowded than a United States prison.” Pundits theorize that since so few Americans actually show up and vote in elections, and that the electoral college (a super PAC 12 rival of our very own UCLA) decides almost everything anyway, it will all come down to some guy named Seth who lives in Ohio. Way to go, Seth. We appreciate your service.